How Self Concept Work Affects Romantic Relationships

I began working on self-concept years ago without even realizing it. Whether in mediation, in therapy, or reading self-help books, I actively worked on developing more self-confidence and higher self-esteem. From the outside looking in, I was confident. But my self-confidence was mostly on the surface and fed off the validation of others. At my core, I didn’t identify as worthy or good enough. The many reasons why are due to my childhood. That doesn’t matter, really. What does is that this realization led me down the path of mindset and self concept work.

What is Self Concept?

Self concept is how you identify. It is how you present yourself to the world based on your self-belief. Our self concept is shaped by our belief system, created in childhood and through our subsequent experiences. The more we experience something the more it solidifies a self-belief or it creates a new belief. 

Let’s take this example: a woman (let’s call her, Amy) claims (identifies) that she is always cheated on in relationships. So, at her core, Amy probably has a self-concept that she is easily replaced or not worthy of faithfulness and a monogamous relationship. The way she is identifying may stem from childhood. Amy may have witnessed a parent constantly cheating. She may have felt replaceable as a child by a parent who left and started a new family. Or, if she had the best example of relationships, her first boyfriend may have cheated on her and that created a fear of it happening again. 

What happens if she doesn’t do self concept work?

Amy will probably fear that her next guy will cheat on her. She might expect it even, looking for evidence of unfaithfulness. Amy will be distrustful of men, and, as per Neville Goddard, the Grand Daddy of the Law of Assumption, she will create what she believes she is (“I am). Because her identity (“I am”) is of a woman that is always cheated on she will then be cheated on.

This isn’t to blame poor Amy! That woman has been through enough! This example just showcases that although people might do us dirty in relationships, we unconsciously contribute to it by how we identify. Our self concept directly impacts romantic relationships because we teach people how to treat us based on what we believe we deserve. 

Self concept influences everything you perceive, including yourself, your expectations in relationships, and how you view and relate to your current or potential partner. 

It all starts within. 

How Do I Identify My Self Concept in Romantic Relationships?

To learn how you identify in romantic relationships at a core level, you have to be honest with yourself. Drop the blame game. That means you’re in defense, victim mode. Instead, grab a journal and a pen and reverse engineer. 

Also, just a note that this exercise may trigger you if you’re not ready to do this inner mindset work! If you can handle it and are ready to change your life, keep going.

• Write down the names of your last three romantic partners. 
• Under each name describe them in detail (traits, what you thought of them when you were a couple, etc)
• For each person, write down why the relationship ended. 

Now, take a breath. A break even! Let the information marinade for a few days if you’re triggered going down Memory Lane. When ready, return to your journal and answer the following questions: 

• What patterns do you see with all three relationships? These patterns can be about the type of partner you tend to attract, the way the relationship ended, and the type of treatment you received and accepted.
• What do these patterns say about you? Be honest with yourself. If you see a pattern of men who don’t prioritize you, at your core you do not identify as someone who is a priority, or good enough to receive the time and attention that you want and need.  Being ghosted is another common pattern. You may identify as someone who isn’t worthy/deserving of commitment. Other beliefs include not believing you valued or important, thinking you are easily forgotten and/or replaced, or a fear of being abandoned

ALSO READ: How Long Does It Take for Self-Concept Affirmations to Work?

Or maybe you noticed that you chase men. When they pull back somehow, it triggers you to text more and/or find ways to see them. This may mean that you are afraid of being left, so you have an insecure attachment style and cling to your partner. 

Once you see these patterns it’s time to change them. The easiest way to do so is to write affirmations that reaffirm the right belief.

How Will My New Self Concept Impact My Romantic Relationships

When you focus on yourself and your self concept in love, you feel at ease with your love life and whatever may come. What does a relaxed you look like? 

• You might not think about your specific person as much. If you think about them, you won’t feel desperate for them. Almost like how you felt when you first met. Usually, when we first meet someone we are giddy! But not obsessively attached. 
• If you interact with your specific person, you won’t feel as triggered by what they do or say and how they show up. 
• You will feel more detached from the 3D. As in you won’t seek external validation from your specific person. If they aren’t texting you, you won’t stress it as much. Probably because you know you’re dope and believe they will text you eventually. 

Overall, doing self concept work and how you identify in love changes your perception of love and your specific person, if you have a person in mind. That means that how you think changes. You will begin to see things from the viewpoint of your new self. 

For example, if you believe that men pursue you, you will change the story of why your specific person is not texting you. You may naturally think to yourself now:

Whereas before, you thought:

Then you begin to pursue him instead of allowing him to pursue you. 

How you feel will change. Our repetitive thoughts affect how we feel and how our body physically responds. For example, if you constantly think:

I am scared that this person I’m dating will meet someone else and stop seeing me.

Your chest may feel tight or you might have shortness of breath. Your palms may sweat. A headache might come on or you might just bawl your eyes out at just the thought of him meeting someone else. 

When you do the self concept work, changing your self concept to being irreplaceable, in this case, you won’t have those thoughts. And if a triggering thought does pop up, you’ll observe it and let it pass without an immediate emotional/physical response.

How you react will change. If you’re used to lashing out or crying, or you pursue your specific person when triggered, that won’t be the case once you solidify your self concept. 

You’re naturally viewing your reality with a fresh pair of eyes due to your new and improved mindset. So you won’t act like the same person you were because you’re not her. 

Once you shift and identify as the new you romantic relationships will become easier because you believe that you deserve healthy, easy love. You won’t manipulate circumstances to get what you want with your specific person. Even when attracting new love, you will feel at ease. You won’t feel the need to affirm all day or desperately use a hundred techniques to get your specific person back. 

You will live in the present moment, and your romantic relationship(s) will change in due time. 

Remember: there is no one to change but self. When you shift internally people will mirror the change within you. When you stand in the identity of a woman who deserves unconditional love and commitment your romantic partner will show up and treat you in ways that you believe you deserve to be treated. And that’s the impact of self love on romantic relationships.